When Life Gives You Lemons: Mindful Parenting For Kids With Depression

By: Aria Khambatta

Photo: Archita Ghadge

Depression. A word so many shy away from, completely terrified of the consequences it may have, not only on their own lives, but also on the lives of the people around them. It’s a word shrouded in taboo and unapproachable from most angles; but possibly the hardest conversation about the dreaded diagnosis, is the one a parent shares with their child.

The utter alienation that people struggling with depression face, is all the more reason for one to build a safe support system, and not an intrusive one. Approaching the subject of depression with your child is difficult, and more often than not, a shock. No one wants or expects to wake up to such a brutal truth from a loved one, least of all your child, which is why it's important to acknowledge the fact that approaching a parent about a subject that’s so often cast aside and dismissed is a terrifying prospect for most people. The fact that your child trusts you with the most fragile aspect of their being - their thoughts - is monumental and should be treated with utmost care.

An aspect of depression that cannot be stressed upon enough, is the complete loss of control. It renders you helpless, making you a victim of your own consciousness, and dealing with that as an adolescent - void of resources or independence - leaves open only a singular lifeline: family.

If that lifeline is violated and treated with anything less than compassion, you run the risk of damaging not only your own relationship with your child, but their willingness to trust altogether. The courage it takes to approach a loved one about something so incredibly personal can take years to muster; and the reception to this is the fine line that differentiates between finally accepting help or retreating further into a cycle of self destruction.

If your child chooses to entrust their mental health to you, the most important aspect of your journey forward is recognising the difference between empathy and sympathy. Depression is a complete destruction of your barriers and identity as an individual, and for adolescents, often goes hand in hand with anxiety. Sometimes, your child may just be broaching the topic so that they can share the experience with you. It’s important that you’re willing to simply listen, and empathise, not just sympathise: let your kid know that you will always try to understand, even when it's difficult. Help them feel seen.

When you feel comfortable enough with the topic, introduce the idea of getting an official diagnosis from a licensed professional; self-diagnosis is dangerous and can do more harm than good, especially if your child is suffering from an alternative disorder. In severe cases, medication may be a necessary step towards rehabilitation and having an open mind towards any possible treatment is key to fostering a healthy relationship with your child.

It’s important to be aware of the effects of depressive disorders. In severe cases, depression can lead to self harm, suicide ideation, drug abuse, eating disorders or the development of anxiety, with depression being one of the leading causes of suicide amongst older teenagers. Be aware, but not overbearing; a complete loss of motivation, social participation, changes in sleep patterns, drastic increase or decrease in appetite, noticeable hopelessness or abnormal anxiety over negligible events are possible signs of a deterioration in your child’s mental health. Don’t dismiss a noticeable lack of motivation as laziness; employing misleading labels can perpetuate a lack of communication between parent and child when their concerns aren’t met with compassion and care.

Stress at home can be incredibly impactful on your child; they are perceptive and reflect patterns and behaviours around them. Especially for teenagers, the pressure of balancing their education, social life and struggling to grow into their identity as an individual is overbearing enough without the added instability of a depressive disorder. As per World Health Organisation’s 2021 study on MDD (major depressive disorder) in adolescents, 2.8% of 15-19 years olds suffer from clinical depression and between 3.6-4.6% of adolescents are diagnosed with clinical anxiety with the two often perpetuating each other in the age group. Minimising chaos at home and creating a safe space; a haven for them can make a world of difference.

Finding out that the human being you’ve raised is struggling with a kind of hurt they can’t even process is a painful predicament to find oneself in but prioritising your loved one’s health should never come at the expense of your own. You may feel like you’ve somehow contributed to their pain, but letting guilt consume you will only harm everyone involved. For a lot of kids, teenagers, even young adults, the feeling of being a burden discourages them from seeking help and letting grief colour your daily interactions with them will only magnify their isolation and your own.

Granting them normalcy and a routine is always more reassuring than falling into a depressive cycle of your own. Each individual deals with depression in their own way; communication is key. Talk about what works for them, what triggers them, how they would have you operate around the knowledge; sometimes a child may want external help, someone to talk to who isn’t intimately involved with their lives - don’t take offence to it or dismiss the idea. For a lot of people it's simply a matter of not wanting to taint a relationship with a loved one; a counsellor or therapist is trained to provide your kid with unbiased and unemotional support alongside the added bonus of being easier to talk to.

Depression is an extremely isolating experience; no diagnosis is ever the same and oftentimes the alienation from the rest of your life makes it seem like the world keeps spinning and moving on while you’re stuck in stasis. This destruction of your sense of self and the debilitating shame it brings upon an individual is difficult to vocalise for a lot of people. It may be tough to understand why - from an outsider’s perspective - but depression is so often accompanied by a complete loss of motivation, energy and sense of purpose; and the disregard to safety, hygiene and keeping up with society’s expectations can make it incredibly difficult to accept the fact that you need help. Acknowledging that your child’s struggle is real and valid is the first step toward finding and holding onto what works for them; what heals them. Don’t dismiss your child’s battles as a phase - empathy, compassion and understanding might just be the right key to the lock.

Bibliography:

Council, Research, et al. “Associations between Depression in Parents and Parenting, Child Health, and Child Psychological Functioning.” Nih.gov, National Academies Press (US), 2009, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK215128/.

Johns Hopkins Medicine. “Mood Disorders.” Johns Hopkins Medicine Health Library, 2019, www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/mood-disorders.

Smith, Megan. “Parental Depression: How It Affects a Child.” Yale Medicine, 2021,www.yalemedicine.org/conditions/how-parental-depression-affects-child.

Cheng, Jing, et al. “Perceived Parenting Styles and Incidence of Major Depressive Disorder: Results from a 6985 Freshmen Cohort Study.” BMC Psychiatry, vol. 23, no. 1, 5 Apr. 2023, https://doi.org/10.1186/s12888-023-04712-0.

World Health Organization. “Adolescent Mental Health.” Www.who.int, 17 Nov. 2021, www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/adolescent-mental-health#:~:text=It%20is%20estimated%20that%203.6.‌